Now - I have had three stroppy 2-year olds of my own. So you would think I'd be experienced and would be an expert in hungry goats, tantrums, sulks, nativity plays and tractor rides in barrels, wouldn't you?
- First mistake. I forgot to tuck his jeans into his wellies (it was very muddy and wet). You'll see why later in the blog.
- We bought a paper bag full of animal feed. T held the bag. A hungry goat mugged him. Result? One crying child and Grandad had a tantrum because he had to fetch - and buy - another bagful. Grandad then sulked because T wouldn't let him hold the bag.
- It was getting cold, looking round all the animals, so we went into the play hut. There was a woman in there feeding a child of at least 2 1/2 probably 3 . T said really loudly "Granny - that lady's got her boobies out and that little boy's sucking them." At which point Grandad misbehaved in a way only grandads can and said much too loudly. "Granny'd better not get hers out - they'll think she's a cow and come and milk her!" Lady was not impressed because Granny laughed her socks off and giggled with grandson and grandad. She said I was a disgrace to my gender. Hmmm!
- Strange lady's son then went off to play with T. Granny and Grandad just let them get on with it, enjoying chatting, giggling and sharing big bag of wiggly worms, fried eggs, snakes, strawberry laces and sherbet thingies. Strange lady obviously thought T's granny was very, very bad granny for not watching T like a hawk. Strange lady took her shoes off and joined in, climbing plastic castles, crawling through plastic tunnels meant for three year olds and pretending to be a monkey. She was being a very, very good mummy. Granny is obviously very, very bad granny for offering Strange Lady's child a wiggly worm made of arsenic-like substance. "My children are not allowed sweets," she said looking down her nose. "Come away, Toby."
- Barrel ride next. Granny's fat bum is too big to sit in a barrel much to Grandad's glee. Granny gets stuck in barrel and unfortunately has to be helped out by extremely handsome man young enough to be her son. T said "I'm big enough to go on my own Granny. You go and look after Grandad."
- T didn't want to come off, so had another go. He still didn't want to come off. Tantrum. Remember those muddy wellies? Kicking feet, muddy wellies and jeans wet at the bottom and caked in mud don't go down too well with very, very good mummies who always remember to tuck Toby's jeans in. Well, how was bad, bad Granny to know that wet sloppy mud was flying everywhere!
- Nativity next with real live animals. Wow! T was Joseph. "Are you going to ask if there's room at the inn?" says nice playleader lady. "No," says T shaking his head. "No, you have to say - is there any room at the inn," she repeats.
"No," says T down the microphone shaking his head again. "Don't want to." Meanwhile, the cow is eating someone's pushchair, much to Grandad's amusement. Grandad is very naughty, tittering at Strange Lady with the Boobs trying to drag empty pushchair from cow's mouth.
- All the mummies and daddies and grannies and grandads have to sing "While Shepherds Watched." Grandad sings wrong words and teaches them to T.